Things change so quickly. My head is spinning and I have so much to say and so much that I want to say. Please excuse this post cause it is not the normal me..
Today we went back in to see the baby heartbeat. We were fully aware that there had to be a heartbeat and progression in my pregnancy. Bottom line is ultrasound showed neither. We met with the nurse and she told us that the baby had not grown and only my placenta had . I was totally devastated.. She said that there still showed no heartbeat which at 7 weeks and 2 days should. She said that my HGC levels were falling and that my body would be miscarrying this baby in a matter of time. MY Whole heart is hurting !! My whole heart! She quickly went over the procedures of what is to come and gave us some options. One to help the miscarriage with medication or to let my body just take the tole. Of course God knows that I am not comfortable with "ending my own pregnancy" , so at this point I am choosing to wait to let my body do it on its own. I have so many mixed emotions. I don't want to question God and his plan by any means, but at the same time, I just don't get it. Why? Why? To show me that Miracles do happen? To give me hope and show me that we can have kids? I just don't understand. My whole heart is aching and I am trying so hard to stay focused on God's plan and not mine. If I question Him and Blame him then I am saying that he is not a Good God and I know He is.... So I refuse to let the Devil play with my mind at this time! As much as it hurts I will continue to Stand Firm on God's promise to me. I will not look to the left or to the right. I will continue to look straight ahead at what is to come. God knows what I can handle.. He knows that I need this to go quickly. The next step right now is to get thru this pain and get thru the miscarriage. Once that has happened I can move forward to grieving . I wish I did not know what the outcome was going to be. Some how I wish that I just had not known. I don't know what is worse, knowing what is going to happen or not?
Now I want to eat!! EAT, EAT , EAT !! I want to eat a whole cake by myself. Unfortunately if I did I would get deathly sick and probably never eat cake again. Funny how I want to go back to food. I wish I had the energy to run, exercise or something, But I don't. My mind and body are tired and I just want this to go away! Mean time my husband has been amazing. I need to remember that we are in this together and that he is grieving as well. He told me yesterday that He is disappointed but not hopeless. He knows our time is coming and God has showed him a miracle. I am so blessed to have Michael by my side right now. He is my rock and my partner , my best friend.
So Lord Right now, I ask for Strength, Strength and Guideance. Renew my hope and my dream. Help me to remember you are in control , you know my future . Help me thru this next process.
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