A very bad Friday

Today was the most emotional day of my life. I can't take this knowing that I am going to lose my baby. I know there is reason for everything but the anticipation of knowing drives me crazy!! I know this sounds awful but I really am praying that God does not let this linger on any more. .. Please Lord.. When I got home Mike said lets go.. We went to Disneyland and had a great date night and no reminders of what is happening. I love him..

Day by Day

Today is a good day. Although I still have heartache, each day God is renewing my spirit. My life and future rests in his hands.
Today my devotion read this: " Pure Gold put in the fire comes out of it proved pure; genuine faith put through this suffering comes out proved genuine. When Jesus wraps this all up, it's your faith, not your gold, that God will have on display as evidence of his victory."- 1 Peter 1:7

How perfect. God knows exactly what I need to hear right now. I know that there is a plan , and I know it is hard to see, but I hanging in there. Lots of things going on in my head but God is moving and working. I can feel HIM and his presence. I have so much love and support and I am so greatful for. Yes it is still hard to be around others and especially the children that I so love so much, my heart breaks.. but I know my time is coming.

Last night I had a really tough time at the game with the kids, and so I started Journaling this.. maybe the start of a great Song...

Lord my heart crys out to you
Won't you come and make it new
Fill my void, cause it hurts so much
Come and fill my void

Lord my heart crys out to you
fill my cup oh Lord cause it needs to be renewed
Come restore my soul , come and make me whole

Cause I need you.... Oh Lord my heart needs You, Oh Lord my souls longs for you ...
Come and Make me New !!


Each day is a new one.. Until tomorrow..

REMINDER

Although I am having some rough patches, a friendly reminder that Lord you are the strength of my life..Everyday I look to you, to be the Strength of my life . Your the hope I hold on to, to be the strength of my life.

Feelings

Tears... Just when I feel like I have no more... they keep on coming ! Tears... they are bitter sweet! Tears..... they hurt my heart! Tears.... at the End are of JOY!! My miracle is coming and soon they will be of JOY , so until then..

Flowers

Today was a bad day... but it got better . My husband sent me a dozen of Roses!! I know he is going thru this with me, and I know we are in this together. Now is just a matter of waiting for the day to come..

How Quickly things change

Things change so quickly. My head is spinning and I have so much to say and so much that I want to say. Please excuse this post cause it is not the normal me..

Today we went back in to see the baby heartbeat. We were fully aware that there had to be a heartbeat and progression in my pregnancy. Bottom line is ultrasound showed neither. We met with the nurse and she told us that the baby had not grown and only my placenta had . I was totally devastated.. She said that there still showed no heartbeat which at 7 weeks and 2 days should. She said that my HGC levels were falling and that my body would be miscarrying this baby in a matter of time. MY Whole heart is hurting !! My whole heart! She quickly went over the procedures of what is to come and gave us some options. One to help the miscarriage with medication or to let my body just take the tole. Of course God knows that I am not comfortable with "ending my own pregnancy" , so at this point I am choosing to wait to let my body do it on its own. I have so many mixed emotions. I don't want to question God and his plan by any means, but at the same time, I just don't get it. Why? Why? To show me that Miracles do happen? To give me hope and show me that we can have kids? I just don't understand. My whole heart is aching and I am trying so hard to stay focused on God's plan and not mine. If I question Him and Blame him then I am saying that he is not a Good God and I know He is.... So I refuse to let the Devil play with my mind at this time! As much as it hurts I will continue to Stand Firm on God's promise to me. I will not look to the left or to the right. I will continue to look straight ahead at what is to come. God knows what I can handle.. He knows that I need this to go quickly. The next step right now is to get thru this pain and get thru the miscarriage. Once that has happened I can move forward to grieving . I wish I did not know what the outcome was going to be. Some how I wish that I just had not known. I don't know what is worse, knowing what is going to happen or not?
Now I want to eat!! EAT, EAT , EAT !! I want to eat a whole cake by myself. Unfortunately if I did I would get deathly sick and probably never eat cake again. Funny how I want to go back to food. I wish I had the energy to run, exercise or something, But I don't. My mind and body are tired and I just want this to go away! Mean time my husband has been amazing. I need to remember that we are in this together and that he is grieving as well. He told me yesterday that He is disappointed but not hopeless. He knows our time is coming and God has showed him a miracle. I am so blessed to have Michael by my side right now. He is my rock and my partner , my best friend.

So Lord Right now, I ask for Strength, Strength and Guideance. Renew my hope and my dream. Help me to remember you are in control , you know my future . Help me thru this next process.

God is SO SO AWESOME!!

He just continues to Bless us !! Thank you Lord for your Faithfulness to your children. You are truly a God of promises !! Thank you Lord. Praise your NAME !!

Be Blessed and Rejoice in HIM my friends.. Cause HIS Promises ARE always TRUE !!

Managing my hunger

Wow.. Being a bari patient and pregnant is a challenge. I am always so hungry! And the things I want are things that make me sick. Candy, sweets, bread, carbs.. I am trying so hard to control what goes in my mouth. Lots of water and lots of sugar free stuff. Also lots of apples, oranges and peanut butter. I love peanut butter! Lord please help me. I dont want to develope habit that I have changed. The other thing is that I am so tired I feel so lazy! I don't want to excersise or do anything I just want to sit on the couch. Mike of course won't let me , we are hiking and stuff but I do get tired..

Hallelujah There is a BABY!

SO today was the big day. We went in two ultrasounds. The radiologist did her job and said that I will have to go back to OB and get my results. I was calm and Mike and I were together and we were ready and confident. We walked in and the nurse who I have been talking to her name is Elaine, She said " Well there is plenty more in the sac this week then there way last week"! Yeah !! I am soo relieved I don't even remember what she said after that ! She said that we have a yolk sac and a fetal pole and that I am around 6 weeks . She said it is too early to rule out twins since my levels are so high. My levels did not go up as much this weekend as she would like but she said that is not an issue cause I am progressing. She said that next Monday we need to do another ultrasound to see the baby heartbeat. She said that would definitely mean progression. I am not doubting ANYMORE ! I know God 's hand is on my little miracle and I know that there will be a heart beat next week. I told her that too!! Mike and I prayed as soon as we got in the car, Rejoicing and Thanking God for what He had done!!
Thank you Lord for the strength and patience with me . I am so greatful and need you to continue to be with me through this process.

Overwhelming Feeling

I am so overwhelmed this weekend. I feel like so emotional. I need to keep trusting in God. He will bring us through no matter what happens. Mike and I said that if there is still nothing on this ultra sound then we will still wait .. No more testing, just wait.
Lord please give me your strength and comfort. I can't do this on my own.

More Levels

Well today I tested my levels again. The nurse told me that they need to be in the high 38000. Well, they were not. They only went up 6000. I am so upset and scared. I have no idea what to think. I am praying so hard and I feel like my faith is nothing right now. I don't want to question God . I need to rely on Him and what He wants for His will, not mine. Mike is still standing firm and believing that everything is okay. He reminded me of all the times we have seen the doctors in regards to having children and each one has said , no , you cant have kids. Each test has come back negative and showing no hope. Mike reminded me that we Serve a God bigger than those tests. So I am going to trust and Believe. The nurse called this morning and said that she wants me to come in on Tuesday afternoon 2/16 for another Ultra sound and more blood to be sure that my pregnancy is progressing. She said we need to see a yolk sac and a fetal pole, Anything showing that there is somthing in there.
I am so beyond myself. I don't even know what to think. I am just praying. God you know my heart and you know my desire. I need your strength now more than ever. Lord please bring me peace and comfort to the situation..

Uh Oh !

Today we went to see my OB for the first check up and to be sure that everything is progressing. Get into the room with the doctor and he does an Ultra sound and says there was no baby. I was like "what"?? What does that mean no baby.. No explanation just that there was a possibilty that I could be off on my dates but that I may miscarry. So I said okay, well what happens now? He said we are going to do a series of tests on you to be sure your pregnancy is progressing. So he scheduled me for blood work to test HGC levels. As soon as the doctor left the room, I fell apart. Here I am so excited to be pregnant and now it has all been ripped away from me and doubted started to creep in.. I know that I am not supposed to doubt my God and his powerful hand. I was just so scared. Mike immediatley said " Jess, it is fine. This is a miracle, it will be okay". S0 now we did blood and my HGC levels were at 22676. That is pretty high. The nurse called me and told me that on Wednesday we need my levels to double. So today and tomorrow I will be on pins and needles.. I need to trust God.